Life has brought me to a state of mind, where along with being at peace spiritually, I still feel that I am trapped at many levels emotionally. Despite my strong and concerted efforts to sort out things and make things around me to be harmonious and comfortable, I tend to get so worked up with trivial issues and they affect me mentally.
On a personal level, for me, mental peace is very important. No matter how much I try to smoothen out the knots of communication and make this easy for me, they tend to get complicated more and more. Now at this stage when I feel that I am in a good space, with my communications, then suddenly in certain situations, things turn on their head and it feels like I have hit a wall. Like as though all the efforts I had put into sorting the knots have got entangled once again and I have to start from square one.
It is the most frustrating feeling and now I feel so trapped and helpless, that I really don’t know, how I can sort out this dilemma of mine. On the one side, I have no escape from it, I have to face it, on the other side I feel so sad that why do I have to keep facing it again and again. The same kind of emotional trauma, the same kind of emotional turmoil, which pops up time and again, just like an unavoidable thorny hurdle, which has to be confronted, defeated, and crushed.
The worst part is that I have to live with it every moment. When I feel relaxed and I take a breather and say to myself that now this tough phase has passed, just then another knot crops up and teases me with a crooked smile and asks me defiantly, “Tell me now what will you do?” I am fed up picking my swords and fighting, how much will I fight, till when. That is one question that I keep asking myself.
Life is good, very very good. I have come to a stage in my life, where now if I look back, I feel so proud of myself when I evaluate myself and see how much I have achieved and how much determination and strength I had, to face each situation, with sheer grit and inner power. My savior my Lord Almighty has been by my side and supported me, heard my prayers and granted all my wishes. I am filled with gratitude, for all that I have been blessed with. Each and every prayer of mine has been answered.
I have learned so much in the past six months in my professional life and personal life that there was no end to the amount of experience, understanding and along with that I felt a tremendous amount of pain which was felt at such a deep level, that it shook me on a spiritual level.
I was shaken beyond reality and my mind plunged into a state, where you feel that you are like a twig flowing in an extremely fast flowing and angry river which is threatening your very existence! I was lost totally aimless and hit a rock bottom. But time is the biggest healer and as time passed, I healed from the pain and revived my inner energies.
Now when I am in a very peaceful space and again and again I see the same kind challenges in my personal life, then I feel trapped, desperate and frustrated and I feel like a fluttering bird caught in a thorny hedge, who keeps getting more more deep gashes on her body, every time she tries to move even an inch. I have to move as I want to live, to survive, but the challenges keep coming up just like how a cobra puts up its head ready to bite you and knock you dead!
I feel trapped as I have no choice but to continue living like this due to many many strong reasons. It is extremely tough to stay in this state of life, where on one side you are at peace with your own self and on the other side you come face to face with challenges every day. It requires a humongous amount of patience and perseverance to maintain your cool in the face of these challenges.
But I know I will do it. In fact ‘I have devised a very novel method to literally stop them from cropping up in the first place.The process has begun and I know that today I am writing about being trapped emotionally, but there will come a day when I will write a blog which will be titled Free forever!
I know that and believe it totally that I will be free.”