I gave birth to them, brought them up, in the best possible way, and always felt that they are not my kids, but my best friends. My darlings, my cute little cherub of a daughter, and my naughty, chirpy son, are truly the apple of my eyes.
My life revolved around them and always will. Very recently both of my little birdies flew out of my nest, to make a life of their own. I gladly bid them goodbye, thanking the Almighty, that despite these trying times of Covid, they could get admission to their desired colleges. I was happy, relieved, and satisfied that finally, they could embark on a journey of their own lives and hopefully find lots and lots of success.
Little did I know that my house will be engulfed in a pall of emptiness, a deafening silence, which was unending. It was as if time stood still and my inner self froze. On the outside I was living normally and going on with my usual life, enjoying the newfound freedom of having no responsibilities for my kids on a day-to-day basis, but inside me, there was a void. I felt alone, desolate, lost, and aimless. I did not know what to do.
Days kept passing by and my husband came back, after dropping my son off at college. Now I felt a huge sense of reassurance, that I have company and I can get over that deep sense of emptiness and find some direction in my life. Life alone with him was like a long-cherished dream come true. I was in the seventh heaven! I felt like as though I had gone back twenty years down the line and we were back to where we started as a young couple.
We went out of coffees, dinners, weekend outings, to our cottage and started having a whale of a time with each other. I felt very content and totally at peace. I thanked the Almighty, that I was so fortunate to have such a gem of a person as my husband.
Filled with renewed energy I started concentrating on myself now. I had a number of health issues, was overweight, jobless, totally aimless and my spiritual stability was literally in shatters.
I made a resolve that I will get back to good health and find something meaningful to do and last but not least, I consciously worked on my spiritual stability. With full vigor, I got into Chanting and then my life started changing for the better.
I started going out for walks and was chanting on a daily basis, but no matter what, I wasn’t able to write. Writing has and always will be first love. Time was passing by with its own galloping pace. I was settling down in this new life without my kids, but the void and emptiness kept hounding me with an unforgiving vengeance.
I was missing my kids each day, each moment. I could visualize my daughter prancing around the home, filled with excitement and joy, and conversing with me, on any and every topic. We had developed a deep bond of being the best of friends. She was my strongest support system and used to help me, at various junctures of my life.
My son is a very spirited and highly intelligent boy. I missed him, whenever I saw his bike, or I entered his room. At times I could see him cooking in the kitchen and whenever I used to get agitated, he acted as my calming agent.
As a mother, I yearned and longed to see my kids around me, even though it was only three months since they left. That void which I felt, kept hounding me, was earlier filled with the joy to see them around and now the emptiness of them being away was eating my soul.
I whined and wailed, tried to speak to my husband about it, but to no avail. The void kept growing larger and larger and when it threatened to engulf me and
plunge me into a state of depression, that is when I told myself, that I need to address this void and I consulted my counselor and he guided me in a fantastic manner, as to how I need to deal with this situation. I started taking a few mild medicines, which helped me to relax and I gradually calmed down and came to terms, with my present state of life.
I got busy with my writing, health routine, and chanting. I discovered that when I wrote, I feel free and totally at peace.
The void is still there and it will always be there, but I will learn to live with it. I know my children are safe and on a journey of making their lives, they live in my heart and when I close my eyes, I find them near me.
I yearn for them, but, their memories give me strength and the motivation to keep going and make something of my life, now that I have all the time on hand.
I have long cherished dreams to fulfill and goals to achieve. I am a yearning mother no doubt, but I am a strong and determined person who has embarked on a journey of self-discovery.
I want to become a writer whose words are understood and my messages come across clearly. I want to devote time to working for the rural women, who constantly face male domination.
I know I can achieve my goals, as I know I can do it I am a yearning mother, but my heart is filled with unlimited dreams and aspirations and I know I can make them come true. I will continue guiding my kids and making a life of my own.